Always Avoid Your Mates, Always

By Trevor Davis -


Having a blind date on home ground has always seemed like a good idea to me, I've been going to my local on and off for a few years now. I'm far from being a regular, in the sense that I wander down there every Saturday for a lager and lime before going shopping, but I have a few friends there. I'd even go as far to say I'm quite popular down the pub. "Trevor," they exclaim. "Trevvy Trev Trevvy lev Trev!" I've never been entirely sure why they like to create rhymes from my name, but rhyme they do.

I've been registered with a number of online dating agencies for a fair few months, but this particular one was being organised by a friend of mine, Richard. I think he'd persuaded his wife to line up her best friend to go on a date with me, but Richards's wife looked fairly grim every time he mentioned it, so I got the feeling it wasn't a popular agreement.

Anyhow, an agreement it was and I was feeling ready to engage in a long-term relationship. I was hoping this would be the lady for me, with interesting hobbies and a passion for fine dining. I've always thought of my interests as my strong point. I'm a 21st century man and my hobbies prove this point. Musically I like to bop along to Boney M and Crowded House, I read the Daily Mail and my passions include walking and playing scrabble. They're all rather unique interests I think, yet I've received close to a thousand queries and only two invites. It's a sad time.

My blind date was called Jessica, she was a successful city type, probably played tennis at the weekend and earned a great deal of money. I was hoping for some intellectual conversation and perhaps the odd chat about literature. I like to read, nothing too heavy, but I think I can form an opinion. The big day arrived and I wandered round to Richard's where we were all due to meet and then wander to the pub.

After a bite to eat at Richard's we made a move towards the Pig's Nostril (it's nicer than it sounds) and I enjoyed the walk there. Myself and Jessica were getting on well and she had enjoyed a recent musical based on some of my favourite bands. It really was going well and I was preparing for the offer of a second date. Shame things never really turn out too well.

"Trevor," bellowed a gentleman called Paul, a stout fellow who had probably had one too many stouts. "Trevor belly welly Trevor!" I smiled a wry smile and gave a reassuring gesture to my date. "This always happens, they love me down here." Then things took a turn for the worse.

"Oi Trevor, is that your bird then?" I smiled and shrugged and squirmed and then Paul shouted: "Not used to seeing you with one that's all. Must have been about three of four years. Never mind though, you may finally…" I stopped him there, at which point some random guy who I'd never seen before stepped in front of me. "Don't touch Paul mate, big mistake." Chairs were thrown, I scuttled off towards a fire escape, I cared for only my own skin and I heard a few people didn't get out so quick. Richard told me on the phone that it calmed down after the police and the fire engines arrived, but I never heard back from Jessica.

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