Beware of applying Smirting techniques

With the onset of the smoking ban, there's been an awful lot of press devoted to Smirting. However, following an unfortunate instant on Friday night, I think I'll give it a miss in future.

Smirting, surprisingly, escapes dictionary definition. It is a merging of flirting and smoking that has become increasingly popular, even among non-smokers like myself, as a sure fire way to start up a conversation with the potential future object of one's affections.

It may seem bizarre, but I've been trying this for a good few months now - and with a fairly high rate of success. Smoking is a relatively lonely affair in bars and pubs these days, particularly now that the winter's teeth-chattering temperatures are setting in. However, for those with ulterior motives it has been a fantastic way to strike up a conveniently brief chat that rides that ever so fine line between the ambiguities of actually seeming like you're talking to someone because you fancy them and just passing the smoking-time.

Lines such as "would you like to share my umbrella?" or the even more blasé "can I borrow your lighter?" are regulars of mine. And you don't even have to smoke because - with conversation keeping minds occupied - I can generally dispose of my cigarette after one or two puffs. Better still, I get away with lighting it, but not smoking.

But oh how quickly confidence in a proven technique can suffer a soul-destroying set-back. Pursuing one of my fancies outside for a Smirt on Friday night, I was met with a reception so frosty it was matched only by the cold of the close-to-freezing night air.

The female in question not only refused to lend me her lighter, but then proceeded to explain to me that if I really smoke I should be more prepared and bring my own lighter, adding that if she'd wanted a conversation she'd have brought one of her friends out with her.

Of course, in the case of Smirting backfiring, the only course of action is to claim innocence, which was precisely my retort. "I was only being friendly," came my jaded reply.

Then of course it dawned on me. Given the fact that I had, as far as she was concerned, actually come out for a cigarette, it wasn't possible for me to turn on my heels and go back inside without blowing my cover and losing all my dignity. The result, of course, was that I found myself obligated to stand outside - starting and finishing the blasted cigarette in the freezing cold. Worse still, I had to endure perhaps THE most uncomfortable silence of my life standing, as I had no choice to do, only feet from the individual with whom I'd been besotted for the majority of the night, but who had reacted to my small talk as if I was a serial one-night Smirter of national reputation.

My conclusion and advice to any new or seasoned Smirters is to avoid it at all costs, for the sake of your dignity, lungs and general warmth in the winter months.