Coping with Bereavement

The first response to bereavement is often shock. Even if a death was expected, you may feel emotionally numb, as if your brain is refusing to acknowledge the momentous event.

As realisation grows, you may experience a range of emotions, none of them agreeable but all perfectly normal in the circumstances. You may feel disbelief at your loss and than anger at the deceased, as if he or she has wronged you by dying. This may be followed by envy of people who aren’t suffering as you are. These feelings can create guilt, which might be followed by a loss of confidence, anxiety, loneliness and depression.

There is, however, no right or wrong way to grieve. Each person feels different and deals with loss in his or her own unique way. Nor is there a timescale for grieving. It can last for weeks, months or years.

Physical effects

The enormous stress of the death of a loved one can lead to a wide variety of physical effects. These may include lethargy and exhaustion, headaches, hair loss, stomach upsets, loss of appetite, shortness of breath, recurrent infections, worsening of existing chronic conditions such as asthma, high blood pressure, and general aches and pains.

A bereaved person may also be prone to uncontrollable crying, insomnia, restlessness, absent-mindedness and even hallucinations, both visual and aural. Children can experience all of these physical symptoms as well as bed-wetting, unruliness and sulky behaviour.

It is likely that all symptoms will get better in time. But some problems could cause long-term damage and so medical advice should be sought.

Coping

The lead-up to the funeral is a busy time and can help with the realisation that a person has died, though coming to acknowledge the true significance of a loss can take time. Though painful, the best way to come through your grief is to face it head on.

Don’t idolise the departed or avoid all mention of him or her. It may not be useful to dispose of a loved one’s possessions and clothing immediately. Refrain from masking the pain you feel with alcohol or drugs (including sleeping pills). Denial can lead to a prolonging or worsening of the many physical and psychological symptoms mentioned above.

Take things as slowly as you need, allowing change into your life whenever you feel ready for it. Eat and rest when you can, take exercise (no matter how gentle), acknowledge your feelings by writing them down and discussing them with others, avoid marital and family discord, try not to worry about money, and treat yourself once in a while.

It is often helpful to not only remember what you miss about the deceased, but also what you don’t miss.

Counselling

It is generally believed that women find it easier to talk with friends and relatives about how they feel after bereavement. Men are less likely to show their vulnerability, sometimes because of a belief that to grieve shows ‘weakness’.

Nevertheless, many people of both genders seek professional counselling. There are many organisations offering such a service, including Cruse Bereavement Care (http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk), Compassionate Friends (http://www.tcf.org.uk), Child Death Helpline (http://www.childdeathhelpline.org.uk), the Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society (http://www.uk-sands.org) and Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (http://www.uk-sobs.org.uk).