Dealing with Divorce

After bereavement, divorce is probably the most stressful experience a person can go through. Indeed, the end of a marriage can create emotions very similar to those felt upon the death of a loved one. It is not unusual to grieve at the end of a serious relationship.

Emotions

Shock is many people’s first feeling, and the realisation that a relationship is over can take time to sink in – sometimes months. It is not unusual during this time to have fantasies of reconciliation and reunion.

The partner who leaves may experience guilt, while the person left can feel rejected. Women are more likely to worry about their financial security. Men are more prone to feeling abandoned. However, for some people, divorce comes as a huge relief.

If you find the end of your marriage is traumatic, you may find it helpful – albeit painful – to understand what went wrong. It is easy to lay blame on yourself or your ex-spouse, but it is much more useful to try to be objective.

Make a list of what was good about your relationship and what was bad. Consider how you were when you met and just before you separated, and what external forces may have influenced your marriage.

Practicalities

As well as the emotional difficulties you may face, there are also likely to be several practical issues that need addressing. You will have to agree with your spouse on who will live in the family home, and who gets what shared possessions and pets. Even mutual friends have to be divided between couples in fractious divorces. You might also have to budget for life on a smaller amount of money.

Dealing with the children is almost always the most important and contentious part of a divorce between parents. The children may be confused, perhaps even frightened. The first step is telling them why you and your spouse are separating. They need to be reassured that it is not their fault and that both parents still love them and will be there for them. Don’t use your children as sounding boards or to pass on messages to your spouse.

Deciding on who else to tell and what or how much to tell them can be difficult and shouldn’t be approached without some thought. Your family and friends can support you, but you should not rely on them to have the solutions to your problems.

Health

It is easy in high-stress situations to neglect your health. Try to continue eating and sleeping as best you can. Avoid bingeing on food or alcohol. If you suffer from loss of appetite or insomnia for an extended period, consult your doctor. Find ways to keep your mind and body active. Take exercise and do the things you enjoy.

Counselling

It is normal to feel bad for some time after a divorce. It might take years for you to come to terms with the event and accept your new circumstances. There are many organisations that can help you along the way, as well as many more that can offer advice during the process of your divorce. They include Relate (http://www.relate.gov.uk), Aquila Trust (http://www.aquilatrust.org), Parentline Plus (http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk) and National Family Mediation (http://www.nfm.u-net.com).