"I'm Just Not Looking For A Boyfriend Right Now"

Nearing thirty and never having properly settled down, it's a scenario I'm all too familiar with: you're seeing some new man, but something's not quite right. Maybe you're being fussy, maybe he's revealed a worrying enthusiasm for country and western music. Probably it's just that the chemistry isn't there, but whatever the reason, you're slowly realising that it's just not going to go anywhere.

Here begins the dilemma of how to let him down gently. If it had just been one date I figure you can just about get away with refusing to set another and hope they get the hint. But being an eternally optimistic person, I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt, meaning it's several weeks later before I find myself grabbling for the socially acceptable way of explaining "I'm just not that into you".

Now, I will be honest. After an uninspiring first date I have been known to let people down by just not returning their calls or text messages. Yes, it's not big, it's not clever, but let's be honest, it's easy. However, a couple of weeks into something and I reckon there's no excuse for not ending things with a bit more courtesy. Even if things were pretty casual, in my opinion it's just rude not to explain that you don't want things to go any further.

Luckily a fantastic little bit of social shorthand has developed just for these situations: "I've realised I'm not ready/looking for a relationship right now." Chances are we've all heard it and most of us have said it at some point or another. Now some people will wonder what I mean by social shorthand so let me explain: this may be a gender split, but personally I think people very rarely mean it when they say it, I know that the last time I apologetically muttered it I launched into a relationship with someone else a fortnight later and I'm not going to pretend that the last person that said it to me doesn't seem remarkably attached to another woman now.

But regardless of its validity, it's become an incredibly useful line in situations such as these. It even allows for a little big-hearted ego-boosting of the person you're letting down. They get to hear how great and likeably they are and if it was just another time, another place, and so forth ad nausea. Luckily, by the time it is another time and place they've probably forgotten about you and you're spared trying to explain why it's still not going to work.

Of course there are a few people who will refuse to play along, which is when you up things to the next level. A quick straw poll among my friends reveals that "I'm not over my ex" is a surprisingly popular extension. Like the above, it tries to pretend that the issue is your issue, while introducing the one quirk guaranteed to turn-off most men: that little hint of instability and neuroses. Suddenly you seem less desirable and more the sort of unstable date that's going to burst into tears at a restaurant and start ranting about the many ways your ex was mean to you. And suddenly – hopefully – you find that he's agreeing that maybe you shouldn't see each other either.

A few people I know have taken this technique further and tried to get rid off people they're seeing with some truly appalling behaviour. While it's true that revealing a side of yourself that's more Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction than Sally Field in Sleepless in Seattle may be effective at getting rid of him, it can also get you a reputation for being a complete weirdo and you never know who the next person you end up seeing is going to turn out to be friends with.