Keeping it in the family

By Catherine Portland

There are many problems with having a big family. Most of the time the higher number of people increases the frequency of arguments and everyone hates each other more. It's much like a farm of animals. But another common result of having a big family is that you've never met most of them. And what do you do, if you come across one at a family party, who you can’t take your eyes off?

This is just what happened to me a few years ago. My dad's family is Irish and there are plenty of them who I have never met, let alone heard of, as we never travelled there much. The house was full of so many people who had arrived to celebrate my gran's 80th birthday. Suddenly I realised why she was always so skint.

The affair was the usual family shenanigan. Lots of boxed wine and a cold buffet, with kids spilling things and all the mothers buzzing about in the kitchen. I was getting tired of telling aunt after uncle about where I worked and why I didn't yet have a 'nice young man,' - as my gran kept telling everyone. Then, standing near the coronation chicken (in a similar fashion to Bridget Jones), I saw a very beautiful man.

True, he had the family look about him, but he also had the proper Irish looks people talk about: dark hair, pale skin and light blue eyes. I was so busy staring at him that when he spoke I was completely taken by surprise by his soft Irish accent - I nearly died! And I couldn’t stop looking into those eyes, as I fumbled responses to his questions.

We spent most of the party together. It turned out he was my second cousin twice removed, so far enough away to not be incestuous. I was so excited about meeting him, but also embarrassed as it's strange being flirty in front of your whole family. He took my number and we arranged to meet up in London the following weekend.

We had a few dates and one of them did result in a kiss, but going out with a family member was sometimes a little awkward. For example, as our relations were such a huge common factor, that's what we mostly spoke about. I began to wonder if we had much else in common? If conversation dried up, we'd revert back to: Did you ever meet aunty Joan? Or, were you at that wedding when I was five? It wasn't exactly sexy.

Also, we did uncover a few occasions when we had met when we were little. I could vaguely remember a horrible boy kicked me during a game of 40:40 at a family do. That was him - my beautiful Irish man. It weirdly tainted my image of him.

His appearance also slightly spooked me. From a certain angle, he was a dead ringer for one of my uncles, despite the distant family connection, which made me wince a bit. And some of his mannerisms were even similar to my dad's! Maybe I was being paranoid, but I wasn't about to be living proof that the Electra complex was true.

And then we realised that most of the family were gossiping about us. That was the worst thing. Some were plotting our wedding already (with the ancient family veil already sent to the dry cleaners), while others thought it was a 'bad match' and that he should go back to his former girlfriend.

In the end we agreed it was best to leave it before things got too far. We couldn't have a bad break up and ruin all those future family parties, christenings, weddings and funerals after all.