Men's fashion: a 21st century minefield

By Catherine Portland

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Fashion for men can turn out to be more of a minefield than one would first think. They have far fewer options to consider than us girls facing only the shirt versus t-shirt debate, while we are left contemplating halter neck, strapless, patterned or plain, cropped, high-heeled, mini-skirt, knee length, hair up, hair down, and so on.

So why do so many men fall drastically into the pot holes of male fashion?

It seems that for some men, stepping out in the evening's chosen outfit is akin to working their magic on the dance floor – they rarely pull it off successfully.

Some trends will inevitably pass, such as skinny jeans, which is a relief, but others have stood the test of time, namely the gold chain.

I have had the fortune to date some real fashion failures in my time. One particular favourite was Chris, who was so obsessed with keeping up with trends that it was painful to watch and mortifying to be seen with.

When we first met, he had a wardrobe full of flowery shirts to imitate Paul Draper, lead singer of Mansun, complete with eye liner on special occasions. This I could handle, but alarm bells started to ring when he got highlights to replicate the look of Feeder's Grant Nicholas.

After we broke up, he informed me that he had joined a gym to develop the physique of Anthony Kiedis from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

On top of this he blow-dried his hair every morning and once used up a whole film of camera (this was before the digital age) taking pictures of himself. Just him, alone.

My friend Laura has also fallen victim to the man that tries too hard. On his quest to look alternative, her boyfriend Tom took to wearing a natural hemp shirt accessorised with the purple towelling cord from his dressing-gown around his waist, in the style of Robin Hood, only without the charm and moral standing.

This was one of many get-ups which became simply too embarrassing for poor Laura - although highly entertaining for her on-looking pals – and despite getting on really well with him she ended things.

A more recent ex of mine, Nathan, had the opposite problem to these try-hards. He made no attempt to look trendy at all.

When we first met, he wore a lot of oversized motor racing t-shirts, relatively tight jeans that came up high around his waist and giant skater shoes, making him look totally out of proportion. Because I liked him so much, I was able to look past this, but not for long.

He was so unfussed about fashion that he let me take the wheel and become his self-appointed stylist, making all the decisions about what clothes he bought.

He became my blank canvass, whom I was permitted to mould into my ideal specimen of the fashionable man.

It soon became clear, however, that I should not have got involved.

Each morning we would indulge in a consultation of what he should wear. When we went shopping he would not look at clothes since he had no interest in them, but would simply try on what I selected. I would even accompany him to the barber and advise on the look I hoped to achieve.

A month or two after we broke up, Nathan turned up on my doorstep. His hair had reached his shoulders and he wasn't really sure how to cope with an unaccompanied trip to the barbers. I felt so bad for making him worry about his appearance that I took him straight to the choppery.

My ups and down in the world of boyfriends' fashion have made me realise that fashion shouldn't matter. There are much more important things in life and a guy who looks like he thinks about nothing but the image he is projecting is probably too self-absorbed to spend enough time thinking about me.

And that's what we all really want in a boyfriend after all!