Terrible Chat-Up Lines (And Reasons Not To Use Them)

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It's a familiar situation: you're in a bar, you spot a girl who takes your fancy and decide to strike up a conversation. Only problem is: how to break the ice? Unfortunately, all too often men who are perfectly articulate in everyday life decide that the best way to approach this dilemma is to swagger over to their objet d'amour and utter a dating disaster that would make even Darius cringe with shame.

Chat-up lines: for reasons that us ladies cannot fathom, starting a conversation in a bar or club seems to become a competition among would-be Casanovas over who can take top prize for the most cheesy, inappropriate or downright offensive comment.

Is it the influence of alcohol, talking-to-a-pretty-girl-nerves, or the pack of mates salivating like bloodhounds over the whiff of rejection that makes it seem wiser to play for laughs than her phone number - even if you really fancy her?

Worry not. Here we take five of the most terrible chat-up lines to ever leave men's lips – and explain why they are unlikely to go down in dating history as the start of a beautiful relationship.

1. You look like a parking ticket… You’ve got fine written all over you.

You may think this one has everything – play on words, a concealed compliment, snappiness. It doesn't. And by rights it should earn you a hefty fine in the Dating Court of Contempt.

2. Is it hot in here… or is it just you?

Again, this favourite among self-declared silver-tongued Romeos is more likely to earn you a slap than any sort of conversational headway. While no girl will object to being told she looks nice, a cliché such as this shows such little imagination, it doesn't even dignify a comeback. A groan and roll of the eyes is the best you can hope for.

3. Here's 10p. Call your mum and tell her you won't be coming home tonight.

Having suffered a decline in popularity since the advent of mobiles, Number 3 has been replaced with endless variations on the theme of 'here's my phone…text your mum' etc. The advantage of this telephonic progress is that the lady in question can no longer threaten to stick your puny pennies in the appropriate orifice. The disadvantage is that if your target has had more than one Martini, instead of bragging to your mates about the bird you just wowed with your brilliant one-liner, you may find yourself crying down the line to Vodafone explaining why your brand-new Nokia needs replacing.

4. I may not be the best-looking man in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

Congratulations: by using Number 4 you have just delivered a double whammy in the offensive stakes. Not only have you drawn attention to the fact that you are not going to set Calvin Klein billboards alight any time soon, you also imply that your chosen chat-uppee should be grateful for your efforts as no one else is bothering to attempt to talk to her. Utter at your peril.

5. We both know I’m going to follow you home anyway so why don’t you just come along peacefully?

While assertiveness can be an attractive quality in a man, this opener has more than a hint of stalker-ness about it. More worryingly for you, consider the possibility that it could backfire: any potential belle who responds well to this one is likely to have latent bunny-boiling tendencies…you have been warned.

So in conclusion, the next time you decide to try and win over the lady of your dreams with your dazzling comedic skills, think more along the lines of gently melting the ice rather than going about smashing it up with the equivalent of a dating sledgehammer.

One-liners are, in most cases, your one-way ticket to the dating dustbin and there's no substitute for eye contact, a smile and a genuine, spontaneous compliment, something we girls unfortunately receive all too rarely. Maybe someone should tell Darius.

If your chat up lines are failing, online dating might be worth a try.


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