Can we really change?

By Catherine Portland

It is certainly not unheard of for a couple to give things a second shot and sometimes things do work out. But I am sceptical about the sacrifices that must be made for this to happen.

What changes to make a couple work? Do people get older and wiser and grow out of their bad habits? Does time apart make people realise what they are missing without their lover? Or do they just put up with all the things that drove them mad the first time around just because they know what they are getting with this person they are going back to?

Better the devil you know, as they say.

But I see where they are coming from. It's so tempting to fantasise about a past relationship, imagining how perfect things could be if only you gave it a second chance.

Oh, yes. We've all been there, feeling that the break-up has given us time to breathe; to see sense; and grow in such a way that all your previous problems with the old flame can be magically rectified as both of you see the error of your ways.

But does this really happen? Is it possible to come back to a relationship on new terms, erasing the problems as you go?

This is a question that Kate Middleton might be asking herself right about now, as rumours run wild about a potential make-up between her and the king-to-be. If I had the chance to be a royal I think I would be prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt.

But is it naive to think that just three months on they have realised that they will now be able to make a go of it?

I found myself doing exactly this the other day when the love of my life crept back into my mind, as he does every couple of weeks (well, every couple of days of I'm honest). I realised that while we were together I had clung to him in that way in which women so often do and I began imagining how good things could be if only we gave each other those small things that we craved. For me it was affection and for him it was space.

But then the reality kicks in. The irony of our predicament is that the things we want are totally opposed. I wanted him to pull me closer, while he wanted to get away. Could I really give him that? I think the answer is probably not.

After you come out of a relationship, you are probably going to bear some form of grudge or hurt and, in my opinion, it takes a person not of this earth to forget that stuff when the going gets tough and it is always going to get tough, sooner or later.

Of course, there's going to be a honeymoon period if a couple get back together, full of hope. But I am doubtful as to whether this can last.

Even in my most nostalgic moments, I have to remind myself that my past relationships didn't work for a reason. And as delightful as it would be to iron out all the creases, we are only human and even if you can bite your tongue when they go back to their bad habits, a perfect relationship this does not make.

So I think, ladies, we need to ask ourselves whether, if we need someone to change, or they want us to change for the relationship to work, are they the right person?

Obviously nobody's perfect, but to endure all life's ups and downs, having someone see and accept every aspect of your personality, you need someone who will love you in spite of your flaws; who finds them more than tolerable, but who embraces them.

So pastures new it is. It's not the easy way out, but most likely, when you find someone worth it, you will feel only relief about the love you left behind.