Cooking for two

By Catherine Portland

There comes a point in every romance where you'll want to make dates a bit cosier and move indoors. Having a meal in is very romantic and gives you a chance to snoop in his bathroom cabinet, check out his DVD collection and see whether he still has a football duvet cover on his bed. This is all well and good, but when the tables are turned and he's coming round to yours, things get much more complicated.

Firstly, the time immemorial rule that women can cook is a huge hurdle to overcome. While any girl will be impressed by a boy who can throw together a spag bol, girls have added pressure to perform. New age women don't cook. I have some friends who can't even boil pasta. So suddenly the test of preparing a romantic meal – whilst not getting too sweaty in the kitchen and maintaining grace – is terrifying.

My reaction in these situations has always been to reach for the recipe books. There must, I think, be something here that's quick and simple and looks wonderful. But hundreds of pages later and your head is swimming with metrics, imperials, bizarre herbs you've never heard of and meals that require overnight marinading and hanging out to dry. The penne and stir-in sauce looks more and more appealing…but that could be a one-way ticket back to speed dating.

The next thing to consider is the desired effect you want your food to have. Too much garlic could kill the passion. Oysters and champagne? Great, but a huge risk of poisoning. Bitty food like chopped parsley or rolls covered in poppy seeds are also to be avoided, unless you want him to lick the pieces out when he's kissing you. And you definitely don't want to eat something that utterly bloats you like chilli con carne - a way to ensure he'll leave early.

Then, there's the presentation. Do you sit at the table with candles or lower key on the sofa? I'd suggest the former, with the lights turned down so as to conceal the food. Presentation can conceal a myriad of blunders. Dress up fish with lemons and meat with rocket – pile it high on the plate like they do in the restaurant with a few shavings of parmesan and all will be well. Condiments are a life saver – mustard can drown out any flavour. Desert should be lashed with cream and mint leaves.

So once you've designed your meal with these cautions in mind, the final piece of advice is not to leave it till the last minute. Prepare the food, the table and yourself with plenty of time to spare so that when you open the door in your apron he'll think you're the angel of the house. Sit him down with a cooled glass of sauvignon blanc and relax. And the final tip? Don't life a finger. The pizza delivery man will arrive and your man will be satisfied.