Doing my ex a favour

By Catherine Portland

It's not just boys who hate to carry the tag of a singleton, as I recently discovered when an ex called on me to do him a favour which I thought might be pushing the limits of former partner etiquette.

Me and Pete had broken up a year - yes, a year - earlier, after three years of a love affair fraught with ups and downs. But as it turned out, he had failed to tell most of his family members that things were over between us.

It had been my decision to end things, but I never felt that he had taken it particularly badly. It was just in that male way he had neglected to tell his nearest and dearest that the love of his life had run its course and he was back on the market.

Anyway, the favour that he asked was that I attend his aunt's (third time lucky) wedding. Fair enough, I thought. I knew her quite well when she was with husband number two and was quite intrigued to see who her next victim was - apparently a Saudi Arabian banker who was loaded and had yachts and a flat in Monaco.

Once Pete had got me on side and given me an overview of the groom-to-be, he casually said that he wanted me to pose as his girlfriend, since only his parents knew that we had split. I found it somewhat strange that his mother had not filled in the family, after all that is what mothers do. But he explained that she had hoped we would get back together and by the time it became clear we would not, the "moment had passed". Hmm.

Anyway, we compromised that I would attend only the sit-down meal and after party, at which I would indeed pretend that all was well in the romantic world of Catherine and Pete.

The day came around and I opted to wear something quite frumpy in the hope that he would feel slightly ashamed of his "girlfriend" and even regret spinning such a web of deceit.

I chose the perfect high neckline, long skirt number, and was rather concerned that I may have chosen a similar outfit to the bride's mother, who was in fact 77.

I arrived and found my place on the seating plan. I was, predictably, a little late and joined the kissing-the-bride, groom and family line.

When Pete caught site of me, he gave me a rather overzealous embrace, which would have been more inappropriate than the situation warranted had he not whispered to me that he thought he might be about to strangle his mother and three non-bridal aunts, so I forgave him.

When I greeted his mother, she kept hold of my hand, rather more tightly than was necessary, with a bit of nail-digging for good measure.

She spent the rest of the evening giving me snide looks, to which I sweetly smiled back.

But as we took our places around the table, seated with the wealthy businessman's nearest and dearest, disaster struck. I had been sat next to the most handsome man I had ever seen.

It transpired that he was the stepson of the Arabian banker and lived in London. Just like me! It turned out we had been out to a few of the same places in London and it seemed he had travelled the world, spoke a selection of languages and was hilarious. I was overwhelmed!

Pete had to keep kicking me under the table to remind me that it wasn't necessarily appropriate to flirt in front of my apparent boyfriend.

Then the music started and Pete whisked me off to the dance floor - as if it wasn't bad enough posing as his girlfriend, he thought it might be nice for us to be the only couple on the dance floor, except for his various child second cousins chasing each other around between the chairs.

While we were dancing Pete started to give me an angry lecture and he asked me not to speak to Arabian Banker Junior, also known as Ada. As much as I tried to avoid it, he insisted.

So I spent the rest of the night talking to various member of Pete's extended family, continuing to spin the web of lies that Pete's mother had so kindly begun. And that was the rest of the evening.

Pete and I left on a slightly uncomfortable note so I was surprised to receive an email from him the following Monday entitled 'Cheers'.

I clicked on it curiously and read the short message:

"All has been explained. Ada said I should give you this: 07773673821"

What a hero! I have heard many people meet their life partner at weddings, so let's wait and see!