How To Execute The Perfect Booze Cruise

There's no point in dressing up the concept of a booze cruise. It's not a short break in France, it's not a cruise in the channel and it's certainly not a trip crammed with culture and fun. It is what it is and usually involves stocking up on copious amounts of wine and beer before making your way back to the ferry, typically in a car that looks like it's holding either a rhino or your least favourite in-law.

I'm a big fan of quick jaunts across the channel to Calais and with the invention of the tunnel nothing now stands in your way. I myself am a purist; I'm still a big fan of the ferry rather than the tunnel. I don't have a particular yearning to be a seaman and I'm not one of those people who always stands outside and stares at the wake of the boat as if they were born to lead frigates. However, I like the sea and I like boats and although it takes longer, I enjoy actually getting out of my car and feeling like I'm travelling somewhere.

Once on the ferry, it's highly recommended that you immediately go upstairs and line up for a full English. Most expert booze cruisers start early and there's nothing like a good fry-up when you're on a freezing cold boat at seven in the morning. After breakfast it's usually best to have a bit of kip, nothing too heavy, because before you know it you'll be able to see the grey concrete shell of the Calais coast. It is indeed a beautiful sight.

Once in Calais, most regular booze cruisers will tell you to just drive behind the nearest British car. Don't follow the signs because not only are they in French but they have been known to point in the wrong direction. Obvious signs of a British car are the huge, white GB stickers that we fondly attach to our boots and football shirts. Perhaps it's a gang mentality but when travelling abroad many men like to display their colours, it's only natural and when abroad you are one team.

Calais' shopping areas have grown massively in recent years. There was a time when frequent exits from the motorway were required the moment you saw the sign "wine warehouse", however, I now stay on the road and head for one complex. When you arrive at your chosen booze centre, you'll always come across an unnaturally long queue for a trolley, as a local curses and blasphemes their way through the crowd of channel hoppers. It advisable to avoid arguments and contact with people who are liable to get aggressive when buying cheap wine. Keep your head down, grab a trolley and head for the Tesco warehouse which is basically a home from home.

Once in the wine store it can be tempting to go mad; cases of wine can be priced as low as four pounds and champagne is on offer for as little as £8 a bottle. However, it's easy to forget that these not so lavish goods are that cheap for a reason. It's best to go for named brands rather than risk drinking a yellowy vinegar substance that cures all throat infections.

I've been tempted in the past to buy wine I really shouldn't have gone for, notably a plastic barrel of rose containing two litres, that cost about £1.50. Although my enthusiasm for said bargain pushed me into buying a whole batch, I soon regretted it when myself and my housemates tried it a few weeks later. If you have to shake the wine in order to get a consistent colour, only for it to separate in the glass, it never bodes well.

Bargains are there to be had on a range of top wines and beers. There are limits as to what you may take back to Britain and HM Revenue and Customs states that 110 litres of beer, 90 litres of wine, 10 litres of spirits, 20 litres of fortified wine (such as port or sherry) is the most that you are entitled to. Limits are in place to prevent people from bringing in alcohol for commercial purposes and all goods must be for personal use.

After I've got what I came for I like to head off to a cafe for an authentic Calais lunch. This typically involves mussels in a rather nice white sauce, with chips and beer. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but you have to try it, the beer makes the mussels less slimy.

On the trip back you can't help but feel that you will be warmly received when you get home and you begin loading out the festive stock. We're now approaching the end of September and there are fewer than 100 days until Christmas. Now is the time to go before the crowds start descending and the deals are still cheap.

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